¿Porqué nos cuesta tanto decir NO?
I ask myself that all the time. Why is it so freaking hard to say no?
My gut tells me immediately. I feel my whole body tighten up and send all sorts of alarm signals that, in all honesty, I do feel and recognize but decide to completely ignore. ¿Te pasa lo mismo?
Why do we do that? Why do we ignore our body’s ancient wisdom of fight or flight?
I can’t give you a scientific explanation for it, y qué flojera, but I can share with you what I’ve learned about why I have such a hard time saying “no”.
Yes, I have a hard time saying “no” to people because I’m terrified they will think negatively of me. They will think I’m not helpful enough. Or maybe that I’m not good enough to say “yes”. Or that I don’t believe in them or will just hurt their feelings if I don’t agree.
So I say “yes”, and go along until I just can’t go along anymore and saying yes to that denies me of my real path. And then I resent. I start looking for the way out. I obsess over falling back into my own trap full of fears and denials. I start failing, I start becoming exactly that which I wanted to avoid being if I said “no”, but it’s inevitable.
Then the no’s start flying out of my mouth in anger and impatience to those around me I love the most: my daughter and my husband … and myself. The way we react to those close to us is a reflection of who we are at that moment.
It’s just so not worth it to be afraid anymore.
And that’s how I learned to say YES to me. To put my Self first.
My dear friend Morena Escardó of PeruDelights.com led me to watch a video with Cheryl Richardson, author of the book The Art of Extreme Self Care, that really put in perspective that I was worrying too much about disappointing others and the guilt that would ensue, ultimately betraying myself in the process.
Then my astrologer (sí, tengo astroloca de cabezera y la adoro!!) Sue Valencia of Una Luna Dos Lunas, reminded me that it’s in my essence to want to be a giver, a protective mother figure that’s loved by all and that one of the main lessons I have to learn in this life is to take care of myself and not depend on others. To go against my I-give-it-all-to-you-before-I-give-to-me nature. If you read my Lean In story, you’ll see that I recognized and started working on that a few years ago.
But life work is never done and the pattern of saying “yes” when I know I’m getting myself in trouble and moving away from my path is a work-in-progress.
So will you work with me? Do you have something in your life you’re screaming to say “no” to but don’t have the guts to do it por no quedar mal?
Reach out to me. Here, email, el fais, a tweet .. wherever you’re more comfortable and I’ll give you el empujón to do it. You push me, I push you. ¿Va?
Let’s do this. Let’s say YES to our true Self.
That one “no” will bring a world of “yes”. I promise.